Dear Harvard University Admissions,
I am very interested in your university. It has been a dream of mine to attend school in Massachusetts. I will be great asset to your college community because every movie I see about Harvard, no one is smiling. Everyone is so serious. Is it the weather? Is it the stress? Is it because there are no pretty people on campus? Are there any blonde female students? I will lighten things up in Cambridge. You need me for several reasons:
- I love the movie, Legally Blonde, and have always wanted to be Elle Wood. Like me, she has a sunny disposition because she came from a sunny state. I am not from California but I am from Florida which has sunshine year round. I have seen Legally Blonde and the follow-up movie, Legally Blonde: Red, White, and Blonde many, many times! Elle and I are so much alike we could be twins…and you accepted her and look how brilliant she turned out to represent Harvard! I even played the part of Elle for Orlando’s summer theatre stage production of Legally Blonde- the musical because I look so much like Elle, and act like her, too, that it is uncanny how much we resemble. You just need an Elle walking around your campus to lighten everyone’s mood, which my high school sorority sisters have told me I do at our large high school. People would be excited to see Elle again on campus and would turn their heads straining to see if it is really her. Thinking they did see her, they would smile. You need more smiles at Harvard. I think it would have people take notice of your university, too, like a B-12 shot. This would be really good positive publicity for a school that just seems too serious and dour. No one looks like they are having any fun. Let me do something about that because I am infectious (but not with the Coronavirus).
- I know you do not give out athletic scholarships, but aren’t they really that? I mean, you give out academic ones and ask the scholar-athlete would they like to play for your school. Isn’t that the same thing? That’s where I come in. I cheered all four years at my sunny high school and don’t tell me cheerleading isn’t a sport! It’s been a dream of mine to cheer for Harvard. Offer me an academic scholarship and I’ll be the best cheerleader on your squad. I’ll bring pep and enthusiasm to your school. You need it. As captain of my high school team and with all our training and athleticism, my girls and guys went to nationals to compete and we won a national title. Now, look at the words in that last sentence: team, training and athleticism, compete, and national title. These words describe any athletic competitive abilities. If you took out the word, cheerleader, and replaced it, with let’s say, swimming or any other athletic competition, it would all be the same. Cheerleading is a sport! Therefore, I think I would add greatly to your squad and bring much needed cheerleading attention to your school because currently I don’t see you having any and you need to. If everything is so great over there, why haven’t I heard about your cheerleading team? You need me. I can make people take notice and smile even with your dreary weather.
- Commoner, Kate Middleton, found her prince at St. Andrews. I need to hurry up and be accepted so, I may, too, have a shot at John Bouvier Kennedy “Jack” Schlossberg. His last year in Harvard Law School is coming up and this is another dream I have had for years. He is hot. Once you see my picture, you will know what a cute couple we will make. I not only was cheerleader captain, but Homecoming Queen. Queen! Let’s make this happen since he is America’s only royalty and I have a queen title. He won’t know what hit him. I am currently turning down dates at my school because I am booked until graduation. But I would make room for John-John Schlossberg. He is the new McDreamy!
- My grades are right in the middle of the grading curve. I’ve heard the more CEO’s make C’s in college because they have learned to balance academics with extra-curricula. That means I am not overly cocky or act like a smart *** because I don’t value grades more than cheerleading. You have enough people making good grades. I am your gal to make them look good because I am right smack in the middle while they are trying to prove they are the smartest in the room. Not me. I want to major in popularity. I am your future Homecoming Queen. Queen! Because I will smile at everyone even if the Harvard types don’t smile much… they won’t forget me. Together you and I can do this and make Harvard a happier place. I’ll make you so proud you accepted me when I become Mrs. John Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg!
See you in September!