No Surprises Here #4

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.


Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.


Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. We’ve been doing this now for three weeks. Continuing in alphabetical order let’s see this week’s examples:

  1. Mortimer the Gopher – mascot of Goucher College. Seldom above ground and liking moist soil, they burrow then tunnel their way where the soil is softer and will visit vegetable gardens, lawns, or farms. Any SEC canine mascot will have a ‘field day’ digging for them even if they are in a packed football field soil. Don’t forget some fields have artificial turf, and if so, those boogers are doomed because they may run, but they will have no place to hide.
  2. MUcaw – the mascot of Mount Union, Alliance, Ohio. The macaw parrot squawks and screeches. They can be quite deafening and ear piercing. They are inclined to whistle or imitate sounds and noises they hear. I would advise keeping this loud-colored and loud-voiced mascot away from the coaches as they shout plays from the side lines. A macaw will loudly repeat these play calls for all to hear which will eventually be deciphered by the SEC teams if used a lot. Also, don’t forget the macaw whistles. How in the world are you going to keep them from imitating the refs? Think of the confusion these birds will cause. What kind of penalty will the refs issue for these imitations? Good news for all SEC teams.
  3. Oakie – the costumed acorn mascot of SUNY-ESF. I mean, really? Crunch.

4. Ollie the Owl – mascot of Brandeis University. His head will be spinning as he thinks, “Which way did they go?”

5. Otto the Orange – mascot of Syracuse University. No competition here. They will be freshly-squeezed.

6. Pete and Penny – two emperor penguins dressed in scarfs and stocking caps for Youngstown State University. Besides posturing in their tuxedos and despite their large size, emperor penguins can dive to a depth of 1800 feet and stay submerged for up to eighteen minutes. Oh, that’s good to know while they visit the SEC’s humid and ninety-degree temps during the games. Yeah, that talent should work for them. NOT!


Can they even get more ridiculous? Oh, wait…they can…


  1. Peter the Anteater – mascot for the University of California – Irvine since 1965. This is where the SEC fans come into play. They throw out all their food wrapper remnants onto the field while the SEC teams wait for the ants to show up and then while the anteaters are gobbling up the ants, we pounce. How sneaky! How genius! Those West-Coast schools think we southerners are slow. Suck on that, UC!

  1. Petey the Penman – The brawny physique of the original Penmen, with its muscular legs, arms and torso, was designed to represent the rugged character of the original New England settlers, yet features the character holding a basketball in one hand and a quill in another. This ain’t no basketball game or literary meet. He’s not even trying to hide his football inadequacy.
  2. Purple Cow – the gold-spotted mascot of Williams College, Massachusetts. No one seems to know how or why this cow with a yellow streak became the school’s official mascot. Yellow Streak? Think about it. We’ll own them.