No Surprises Here, Part 5
Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.
Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.
Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. We’ve been doing this now for four weeks. Who is still with me? Continuing in alphabetical order let’s see this next-to-the-last week’s examples:
- Riptide – the costumed pelican mascot of Tulane University. Let’s see how tough they really are on the playing field. Here’s their description: they have strong legs, webbed feet, and swim well. Thought to be related to boobies. ‘Nuff said.
- Roxie – a costumed female Greyhound mascot for Eastern New Mexico University. Although the fastest of all dog breeds, they are sprinters, not built for endurance, and then are content to sleep for the rest of the day after they have exploded into the arena. They are sensitive and prefer peace, quiet, and soft-spoken people. Does not do well in an environment with chronic tension or loud voices. Wait a minute – first of all this mascot is female, fine with me, but have we seen many female football players at the collegiate level? If she’s strong enough to take it, good for her. But since this mascot is sensitive, doesn’t like tension, or loud voices, if the strength on the field doesn’t overtake this sleeping beauty, the stadium environment will.
- Sam the Minuteman – Massachusetts Minutemen and Minutewomen mascot. These Minutemen were farmers (and their wives, I suppose) who were supposed to be ready to fight at a minute’s notice because they just happened to have a gun or two lying around. Yeah, well, in these times that ain’t gonna happen. There are signs posted all over school campuses that read: Guns are prohibited. ZERO tolerance. They’ll be arrested in a minute, that’s for sure.
- Sammy the Seagull – mascot of Salisbury University. I mean, a seagull. Really? Is a seagull a predator? No, it’s a scavenger – a bird or animal that feeds on dead animals that it has not killed itself. So, there you go.
It gets worse:
- Sammy the slug – a banana slug is the mascot of the University of California Santa Cruz. Sammy was named Reader’s Digest Best college mascot for 2004. Santa Cruz may not be close to Mexico, but somebody is putting something in the drinking water over there and it may be more than tequila. I’d feel sluggish too after a few tequila shots.
- Scrappy – the costumed mockingbird mascot of the Chattanooga Mocs of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga. They can mock the SEC mascots all they want but you know the rhyme about “Sticks and Stones”: Words will never hurt us.”
- Shadow – the costumed mascot of Monmouth University. How do you costume a shadow anyway?
- Skully – the giant parrot sidekick of the Millersville University Marauder. Overheard squawking “The SEC mascots are squiffies, matey. Just scallywags and son-of-a-biscuit-eaters, they are. Nothing but bilge rats. Now let’s call it a day and go have ourselves a grog.”
Next up are the two contenders I think might give the SEC mascots a run – or bounce – for their money.