No Surprises Here – College Mascots, part 3

Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.

Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.

Who could lose a competition with these figureheads? The following mascots would not stand a chance. Let’s consider the match-ups. In alphabetical order beginning week before last and even last week, here are more examples:

  1. The Virginia Tech Hokies – the word “hokie” originated when a man wrote it into a cheer for a contest. And he won! He says he made it up as a way of getting attention, but its origins are traced back to 1842 and means “hooray.” However, the “hokie mascot” is really a turkey. A turkey! The bird is a “HokieBird” which has evolved from a turkey. Virginia Tech teams were once called the “gobblers”! Just stop it. Giving you more description does not make this mascot any better. Writers providing this information just need to stop it now. I can find nothing redeeming about this mascot name. I mean, I could say that Benjamin Franklin once wanted the turkey to be the national bird instead of the eagle, but that doesn’t help. Even that kind of information just makes it worse.


  1. Jack the South Dakota State University Jackrabbit mascot – Jackrabbits are not rabbits (despite their name). They belong to group of animals called hares and are often treated as pests because they quickly destroy crops and have a ferocious appetite. So they will eat the turf, get a full tummy, and then what? Probably a nap. Or be busy proliferating. Both would seem to take precedence over playing football.

3.     John Poet – the mascot of Whittier College. Both college and mascot are named for John Greenleaf Whittier. Sensitive and heartfelt, John Poet would probably be happiest writing poetry along side the football fence than being in the trenches as he writes in his poem, In School-Days – “Still sits the school-house by the road…” Whatever…The SEC mascots should watch out. The only thing they should worry about is tripping over this unnoticed bundle of literary terms near the field.

  1. Keggy the Keg – this anthropomorphic beer keg is the unofficial mascot of Dartmouth College. Up until 1971, Dartmouth’s mascot was an Indian. Politically incorrect, I suspect. But a beer keg is a better choice? However, this is my personal favorite mascot. I don’t think they are serving Gatorade to their players during the game. This would definitely help the opposing team. Hic-up!


  1. The Leprechaun – the mascot for Notre Dame. These little bearded men, wearing a coat and hat and who partake in mischief, are solitary creatures who spend their time making and mending shoes and have a hidden pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. If captured by a human, they often grant three wishes in exchange for their freedom. Wish One to an SEC tackle, “You win.” Wish Two: “Ok, you win big.” Win Three: “One of your conference teams will go on to be #1 in the nation. Now, please let me go! I’ve got to go mend this hole in my shoe where your cleat stepped on it.”


  1. Mo the Mule – the official mascot of the University of Central Missouri. You can lead a mule to the football field but you can’t make them play.


  1. Montezuma the Aztec Warrior – mascot of University of Central Missouri. With all the symptoms of Montezuma’s Revenge, they will never even make it on the field.


More to come…