Why is anyone surprised that the Southeastern Football Conference is the fiercest in the land? How could one be surprised that they (we) are the most powerful conference in all of conferences if not only by our strength, stamina, and brute, but also because of the mascots chosen to represent us in the fight. It stands to reason that the SEC will dominate.
Our teams consist of Clawing Tigers, Biting Bulldogs, Red Elephant Stampedes, Scratching Wildcats, Man-eating Gators, Relentless Fighting Cocks, Determined Volunteer Military, Scary Razorbacks, an unbeatable 12th Man player, a Seafaring Captain that defends his ship against pirates, and even though we once had a gentlemanly and mannerly colonel, today he is a towering Black Bear.
After enjoying the 105 absurd and mostly ridiculous mascots in the nation to mock, I did come across two that I thought might be more competitive with our school representatives. Here are my top two choices. Why don’t you help me decide which of the two you might pick.
- ZIPPY – the female kangaroo mascot of the University of Akron. This mascot ranges in size from between three and eight feet tall and weighing 40 to 200 pounds. Kangaroos have powerful hind legs, large feet, and a strong tail and are the only large animals to use hopping as their main means of locomotion. The short forelimbs are used almost like human arms and tend to spar in defense. Males are used to fighting by biting, kicking, and boxing to defend themselves against predators. They have been known to disembowel dogs and humans. Females have pouches. They live in large groups called mobs. The kangaroo moves forward a distance of six feet six inches with each jump. However, when fleeing from a predator on flat ground without any obstacles, a single jump is able to cover a distance of almost 30 feet and height of nine feet ten inches.
Let’s set the stage for the fight: With their powerful legs and feet, their large feet, their weight and height, they also have a tail that might be used for a third leg, although scrawny in comparison, and their arms can be used for knocking the ball out of the oppositions control. Males might be penalized for biting, kicking, and boxing, but they also might get in one or two powerful jabs before the refs catch on. Females can hide footballs in their pouches. Think of all those trick plays! And when pursued on the playing field, can out-jump and out-run their predators in seconds flat.
- ROWDY – the roadrunner mascot of California State University at Bakersfield, Metropolitan State University of Denver, and the University of Texas at San Antonio. A speckled bird, they will usually only fly to escape predators because their tremendous speed works well for them. With strong feet, their head and tail are in a flat line with the tail used as a rudder and they can run at speeds of up to 20 miles per hour. They need the speed against predators. Aware and intelligent, they scan what is going on around them before making a step.
With that being said, Warner Brothers Looney Tunes Cartoon Series introduced Road Runner to American audiences with a coyote (Wile E. Coyote) continually in frustrated hot pursuit of him. Wile E. Coyote schemes to trap Road Runner with the help of products from the fictitious Acme company, however, each attempt backfires because of the company’s chronic product unreliability or his own ineptitude. Road Runner is never captured. Wile E. might be humiliated, he is never harmed.
Let’s set the stage: Is there really a fight? Since they are aware and intelligent (hence outsmarting Wile E. Coyote and his gameplans), we may chase a roadrunner but I doubt any of our mascots and players are running at 20 miles an hour.
BEEP! BEEP!