Where Shopping is a Pleasure, Part 1
Uh, I don’t think so and I don’t just mean Publix. I think many people will agree with me. Shopping is dull these days. You men out there might not get it because men go shopping to buy what they want but women go shopping to find out what they want and there isn’t much to find out there.
Before you even reach a store, just the idea of shopping is depressing knowing what you must deal with. If able, one has to protect oneself shopping in person by going during hours when fewer people will be there like early morning or late at night. Even then the shopping is not pleasurable.
This is the kind of stuff you find:
- Craving spaghetti? The only box of noodles left is made of chickpeas. Gross. And it’s angel hair. Just the kind you wanted. But here is a hint – if pasta is unavailable in the spaghetti section of your store, try the Italian section. Maybe you’ll get lucky. NOT!
- Craving cereal? You have choices here: Raisin Bran, Shredded Wheat, and Special K.
- Craving specialty pizza? At Trader Joe’s they have frozen kale. That’s all and that is what makes it special. If you aren’t shopping at Trader Joe’s, there are lots of cauliflower frozen pizzas. YUM! Your favorite, I’m sure.
- If cauliflower or kale aren’t to your liking, you can still eat your vegetables because there are plenty of beets, lima beans, chocolate hummus, and turnips. Better hurry up before they are all gone!
- Getting hungry reading this? You’ll find cream of bacon soup in the soup aisle. Who knew this even existed?
- What to drink? Flax milk is stocked full. Not only is there is a lot of Corona beer, it has been marked way down. Might want to get some to relieve your tension because everyone else bought the stress relief tea.
- Looking for meat? The only thing available is either gristly blade steak or enormous porterhouse steaks. The cheapest cut and the most expensive. Literally nothing in between. Well, maybe. Check out the frozen section for faux meat products. Or you might find six or ten pounds of pork chitterlings.
- Still looking for toilet paper? Don’t be fooled. There are boxes of old Halloween candy stuffed into the toilet paper section. At a distance it looks like that section has been restocked. But once you get closer, you see there is no treat. Just a trick. But there is hope! At some Wal-Mart stories there are still plenty of Dude Wipes stocked on the shelf. Yep, the manly man butt wipes. I guess even in a pandemic there is a line one doesn’t cross.
- And here in the South, there is even a bigger trick. All the Duke’s mayo is gone and all that is left is Hellmann’s.
Don’t forget there are the arrows in the supermarkets telling you which way to walk so don’t you dare go up the down aisle or go down the up aisle. People will give you stares and the stares stand out because the rest of their faces are behind masks. I finally became so frustrated having to circle around again if I passed the shelf of a purchase I didn’t get to make the first time. I now either walk backwards with my cart in tow as though I am facing the right way of the pointing arrow or I leave my buggie at the end of the aisle and head back to the shelf I missed to retrieve the item. Why did I miss it in the first place? They were out of stock!
And if you are like me and the frustration of finding a food item is getting to you, head to Chick-Fil-A where every time you thank them for taking your order, they respond with, “My pleasure.”
At least someone is taking pleasure when it comes to buying and selling food.
Next up: It used to be “Who’s that behind those Foster Grant sunglasses?” Now, it’s a mask.